Vegetarians

I don't understand vegetarians.

I mean, I love animals, probably more than most people! But I also love meat. mmm... steaaaak. Thats not saying I don't have a ton of respect for people whose moral guidelines or animal love prevents them from indulging in carnivorous behaviors. I do, however, have a problem with those vegetarians who just do it to be different. Over a meat-centric meal last week my girlfriend and I were discussing our shared hatred for the attention-seeking type of vegemaniacs.

ME: "Um, I hate the way they don't even bother looking at the menu before announcing to the world that they are better than us"
GF: "I know. 'Excuse me, do you have any vegetarian options?' might as well be 'yes excuse me, do you have food for special people?'"

Granted, they are not the only people I try to avoid restaurant dining with. There are generally 3 other types:

1) The "Usual" guy: Who eats there all the time and is always ready to order before the menus even arrive.
2) The Indecisive girl: the opposite of the "usual guy," Who changes her mind again and again, forcing the other patrons into waiting to order; Then laments throughout the entire meal how she should have gotten one of the other 32 options she was considering.
3) The Dumb one: the most tolerable of the 3 and DEFINITELY easier to handle than a vegetarian. This guy either can't pronounce anything on the menu or straight up can't read and tends to order things that have pictures he can simply point to.

However, like previously mentioned, ANY of these pale in comparison to a snooty vegetarian on a scale from one to annoying as hell.

        "THE USUAL" GUY  INDECISIVE GIRL   THE DUMB ONE    VEGETARIAN

Snooty Vegetarian is always soooo pleased with himself when he gets to announce to the entire table that he is better than them. 

"I'm so awesome."

He expects some sort of restaurant-wide celebration simply because he has chosen to abstain from eating animal products. Maybe a song and dance like some restaurants do for a birthday. 

"Attention everyone, sorry to interrupt your meals, but there is a vegetarian in the house!!"  

"WOOT!" 

"Hell yea!"

"Good for him!"

"Congratulations!!" 

Snooty Vegetarian thinks the world revolves around him and his eating habits. 

Guess what SnootyVegetarian Guy... NO ONE CARES! Except maybe Peta. 

And the cows. Maybe the cows will throw you the party you feel you deserve. 

A Joke.

One sunny australian day, Koala was smoking some dank weed. (I dunno what dank means, being a non-weed smoker myself, but i've heard this used before.) He was sunbathing, enjoying his doobie when along comes Lizard. Lizard partakes of the marriageyouwanna. Lizard gets high. like, hiiiiiiiiiigh.

WHOOOOA.

DUUUUUUDE.

Lizard is so high, there is nothing more important and demanding at that exact moment than his life-altering thirst. He excuses himself from Koala and his pot to go down to the rive for a drank.

do-duh-dooo. Lizard meanders down to the river for a drink, where he runs into Alligator. 

"Duuuude. You gotta go up the hill and take a hit of Koala's joint bra..." 

so alligator journeys up the hill to ask Koala to share some of the wealth. Koala, high as a kite, makes a humorous miscalculation. 

laughter ensues. 

shit my girlfriend says

My girlfriend says funny things when she is on medication. I mean she gets loopy like whoa. So for your enjoyment, I have decided to keep track of some of the ridiculous shit she says, and turn it into short posts. Last week while she was hopped up on the quick, (i.e. cough syrup with codeine), she said this as we were falling asleep:

"I think if I would have lived during prehistoric times, I would have been eaten by a water buffalo."
Out of nowhere. Completely, randomly, unprovoked. Hilarity. The following is my illustrated unfolding of the aforementioned event. Enjoy.

Oh and yea, that is a hungry hungry hippo version of a water buffalo. How kind of you to notice. 

Why I blog.

I always knew I would go to college. I didn't know where I would go, or what I would study, but  i knew getting a job would be way easier if I had a college degree. So I ended up at the University of Oklahoma.

 I have summed up my college experience with the picture below. 

It took me 5 years to graduate. Took a victory lap. Almost dropped out a few times, but in the end I got my degree. I was all set and ready for the real world!

I was all high and mighty until I started looking for jobs. I got turned down everywhere. I mean everywhere! I applied for over 70 jobs and never landed one of them. Even McDonald's didn't want me! I would go in and the managers would say, "you're not qualified to do this job." or even worse, "you're overqualified for this position." So? They passed up someone who could have turned out to be the best damn burger-flipper in the midwest. Their loss. 

I gave up hope. Maybe I was destined to be a bum and lounge on my parents' couch all day, sipping on high-fructose corn syrup and rotting my brain with television. While a lot of people fantasize about being able to do nothing all day every day, it got old fast. 

My life had no purpose. I had seen literally every episode of Law and Order: SVU ever made. I had to do something, and quick! before I ended up turning into one of those 40-year-old women who live with their mother and her 5 dogs with Papa Johns on speed-dial who has to be lifted out of the house in a crane. 

So I had my girlfriend call in a favor for me and I landed an interview with one of her buddies. 

I got the job!! Go me!

It does tend to be a BIT on the dull side however, so in efforts to prevent myself from getting fired because of this...

I started this blog. Its colorful, perfect for ADD, and helps pass the time so I don't go completely insane. 

Just in case you were wondering. Which you probably weren't. 

Tough toenails.