Apologies

We've all done some things in our lives that we are not at all proud of. I am no exception. I've participated in my fair share of heartless shenanigans, said some things that I shouldn't have, and hurt some people I wish I wouldn't have. There are a few things however that I feel especially compelled to apologize for. And while the people who need to hear my regrets will most likely never stumble upon this blog, I gotta get it off my back. 

First of all, to the first target of my mindgames- my youngest cousin Mikey: I'm sorry for never letting you play tag, always blaming things on you, and lying to you about having a tail. 

But mostly, I'm sorry for making you earn both my love, and entry into the treehouse our uncle built. (that was really just a bench nailed to a big tree bench, but cool to little kids nonetheless.)

You were so young and trusting. And stupid. But at 7 years old I was old enough to know better. 

So i'm sorry for being mean to you repeatedly throughout our childhood. I'm sorry for laughing at you, making you do and eat ridiculous things, and for exposing you to hookworms and countless other diseases that can be contracted from eating poop. 

Secondly, to my sister; whose wedding tape was mysteriously taped over with Law and Order:SVU...   

And my brother; who I said did it in order to avoid the wrath of a ruthless newlywed- my most sincere apologies.

It was me. 

Lastly, to the entire Walmart empire, I'm sorry for stealing those 4 dollar scissors. I only gave myself enough time to get to your store to buy some supplies for class, and only brought a twenty dollar bill. The scissors would have put me over the limit. I had to have them! I had to have cutting capabilities! 

I only had moments to make a decision. I regretfully chose wrong. 

(but 4 dollars is really kind of expensive for safety scissors, don't you agree?)

I feel much better now that i've gotten these things off my chest. I hope you can all find it in your hearts to forgive me. 

this means that

         I have discovered that the majority of people out there are stupid. No offense! Maybe you're not one of them. (but you probably are.) I, however, am not. So... being as nice as I am brilliant, I will open your eyes to some of the obvious facts of life that many cannot seem to fathom.

1) Men who have good jobs get laid more. Fact.

It doesn't matter if he's ugly, stupid, or a rapist. Hell, it doesn't matter if he's all 3! If he's got a cool job and a lot of money, he is soaking up the sexual activity.

Equally true is the sad fact that even if you're the best guy on the planet, but you have a shitty job or are unemployed, you probably don't see that much action. Sorry hobos. Rapist for the win! 

2) If your daughter/sister/girlfriend plays or enjoys watching softball- she is most likely a lesbian.

If she's always hanging out with her "roommate"- guess what? They're scissoring.

If she only wears birkenstocks and her closet looks like this:

 

 Softball is the number 2 lesbian identifier. It falls after driving a huge truck and comes right before flannel.

3) If you spend more than 20 hours a week on your computer (outside of work, or writing awesomely entertaining blogs) then you are a virgin. World of Warcraft doesn't help you pick up the ladies. Don't try to defend it by making shit up.



Also, be wary people!! You may think you're talking to a non-virgin online, a studbucket, a real catch. But you never know. Your dream man's profile may in fact be fictional.

Not that being a virgin is bad! I know a few people who are choosing to wait until marriage to knock boots.

Being a virgin past 20 doesn't make you weird or different. Just gay!

4) Lastly, and one of the most applicable of my list: If a guy drives a massive truck, he is simply compensating for having a tiny penis.

Driving a gas guzzler makes him feel like a warrior, increases his testosterone levels and makes him feel like more of a man. The more obnoxious the truck, the tinier the penis. A guy I work with has lights and a siren installed on his lifted F350. I'm willing to bet (but not willing to stand witness) that he doesn't even have a penis. It was ripped off in some freak skydiving accident.

Other telltale signs a man isn't very well endowed- he wears affliction, and hides his tiny rooster behind true religion jeans.

He probably also keeps his sunglasses upside down on the back of his head. You KNOW this guy. Tiny pecker guy. Poor fellas. Thank goodness girls aren't judged by the size of our vaginas. Otherwise Lindsay Lohan would be considered a catch!



your vs. you're

I have very few pet peeves. I'm generally pretty laidback and there aren't many things that bother me, but one of the things that I hate the most is when people don't understand simple concepts of the english language.

Don't get me wrong, parts of it are fucking complicated! Whom... who... who cares?! But there are a few relatively easy rules that drive me absolutely insane when people break them. The one grammatical error that really angers and perplexes me, is the struggle some people face in YOUR and YOU'RE. I don't understand what could be that difficult about it.

YOUR denotes ownership. YOU'RE is a contraction for YOU ARE.

 See? Simple!

The age of facebook chat and texting has helped me to uncover the fact that I have a lot of grammatically incorrect friends. 

Text message convo: 

ME: hey thanks for giving me that info.

ANON: your welcome.

Really? MY welcome? Ok. I've always wanted one of those.

me and my welcome

Facebook chat conversation

ANON: She seems great

ME: yea, I'm really lucky.

ANON: so your happy? 

Yes? My happy? What about him?

He loves balloons? He was the all-around gymnastics champion at the Atlanta Olympics? Has walked on the moon? graduated as the valedictorian from harvard?

I know all about my happy.

My absolute favorite is the age old insulting text: "your stupid."

What is a stupid?

Ahhh. Thats a stupid.

Unfortunately no, I am not currently in possession of one of those. So no,

YOU'RE STUPID.



Christmas Goodies/Baddies

Every year someone brings a plate/tray/decorative bowl of Christmas cookies/pralines/fudge to my parents house. Being as my room is closest to the front door, I am always first to intercept such gifts. Whether or not I am fully dressed is of no consequence. I don't care about the giver, only the goods.

 Getting a tray of these morsels is always a momentous occasion. I love treats, especially ones that are only made around the holidays.

I love them.

I bask in their glow. 

I devour their goodness.

However, there seem to be two baking errors that continually have my neighbors in their vice-like grips.

It never fails that every Christmas We receive a plate of cookies that appear scrumptious in presentation, but have a tendency to turn to sand in your mouth.

Problem 1. Very frustrating.

It always leaves me confused and hurt; unsure whether or not to venture onward to other treats, afraid they too may lead to my death by asphyxiation.

Memories of the sand cookie may taunt me, but I try a different treat. Perhaps this fudge is what I've been searching for?

...

It is not. Which leads me to Problem 2. The more serious of neighborly offenses.

Rock hard treats.

 Its not that difficult! Cookies are supposed to be soft. Rocks crack your teeth. Not the other way around!

No matter how I try I can never just say, "oh, this treat is much too hard" and toss it out. I consider it to be a personal challenge to my love of Christmas sweets. I must eat this rock-like cookie/fudge/praline! The Smiths/Bells/Whitehouses worked hard on it! So I set out to destroy and devour the treat.

I'm always left with a pile of crumbs all over myself/the table/the floor, and none of the goodie actually in my mouth.

EVERY TIME.

Then I wallow. Because not only did I not get to enjoy a tasty holiday treat, but I'm also a failure.

typical.

Vegetarians

I don't understand vegetarians.

I mean, I love animals, probably more than most people! But I also love meat. mmm... steaaaak. Thats not saying I don't have a ton of respect for people whose moral guidelines or animal love prevents them from indulging in carnivorous behaviors. I do, however, have a problem with those vegetarians who just do it to be different. Over a meat-centric meal last week my girlfriend and I were discussing our shared hatred for the attention-seeking type of vegemaniacs.

ME: "Um, I hate the way they don't even bother looking at the menu before announcing to the world that they are better than us"
GF: "I know. 'Excuse me, do you have any vegetarian options?' might as well be 'yes excuse me, do you have food for special people?'"

Granted, they are not the only people I try to avoid restaurant dining with. There are generally 3 other types:

1) The "Usual" guy: Who eats there all the time and is always ready to order before the menus even arrive.
2) The Indecisive girl: the opposite of the "usual guy," Who changes her mind again and again, forcing the other patrons into waiting to order; Then laments throughout the entire meal how she should have gotten one of the other 32 options she was considering.
3) The Dumb one: the most tolerable of the 3 and DEFINITELY easier to handle than a vegetarian. This guy either can't pronounce anything on the menu or straight up can't read and tends to order things that have pictures he can simply point to.

However, like previously mentioned, ANY of these pale in comparison to a snooty vegetarian on a scale from one to annoying as hell.

        "THE USUAL" GUY  INDECISIVE GIRL   THE DUMB ONE    VEGETARIAN

Snooty Vegetarian is always soooo pleased with himself when he gets to announce to the entire table that he is better than them. 

"I'm so awesome."

He expects some sort of restaurant-wide celebration simply because he has chosen to abstain from eating animal products. Maybe a song and dance like some restaurants do for a birthday. 

"Attention everyone, sorry to interrupt your meals, but there is a vegetarian in the house!!"  

"WOOT!" 

"Hell yea!"

"Good for him!"

"Congratulations!!" 

Snooty Vegetarian thinks the world revolves around him and his eating habits. 

Guess what SnootyVegetarian Guy... NO ONE CARES! Except maybe Peta. 

And the cows. Maybe the cows will throw you the party you feel you deserve. 

A Joke.

One sunny australian day, Koala was smoking some dank weed. (I dunno what dank means, being a non-weed smoker myself, but i've heard this used before.) He was sunbathing, enjoying his doobie when along comes Lizard. Lizard partakes of the marriageyouwanna. Lizard gets high. like, hiiiiiiiiiigh.

WHOOOOA.

DUUUUUUDE.

Lizard is so high, there is nothing more important and demanding at that exact moment than his life-altering thirst. He excuses himself from Koala and his pot to go down to the rive for a drank.

do-duh-dooo. Lizard meanders down to the river for a drink, where he runs into Alligator. 

"Duuuude. You gotta go up the hill and take a hit of Koala's joint bra..." 

so alligator journeys up the hill to ask Koala to share some of the wealth. Koala, high as a kite, makes a humorous miscalculation. 

laughter ensues. 

shit my girlfriend says

My girlfriend says funny things when she is on medication. I mean she gets loopy like whoa. So for your enjoyment, I have decided to keep track of some of the ridiculous shit she says, and turn it into short posts. Last week while she was hopped up on the quick, (i.e. cough syrup with codeine), she said this as we were falling asleep:

"I think if I would have lived during prehistoric times, I would have been eaten by a water buffalo."
Out of nowhere. Completely, randomly, unprovoked. Hilarity. The following is my illustrated unfolding of the aforementioned event. Enjoy.

Oh and yea, that is a hungry hungry hippo version of a water buffalo. How kind of you to notice.