Apologies

We've all done some things in our lives that we are not at all proud of. I am no exception. I've participated in my fair share of heartless shenanigans, said some things that I shouldn't have, and hurt some people I wish I wouldn't have. There are a few things however that I feel especially compelled to apologize for. And while the people who need to hear my regrets will most likely never stumble upon this blog, I gotta get it off my back. 

First of all, to the first target of my mindgames- my youngest cousin Mikey: I'm sorry for never letting you play tag, always blaming things on you, and lying to you about having a tail. 

But mostly, I'm sorry for making you earn both my love, and entry into the treehouse our uncle built. (that was really just a bench nailed to a big tree bench, but cool to little kids nonetheless.)

You were so young and trusting. And stupid. But at 7 years old I was old enough to know better. 

So i'm sorry for being mean to you repeatedly throughout our childhood. I'm sorry for laughing at you, making you do and eat ridiculous things, and for exposing you to hookworms and countless other diseases that can be contracted from eating poop. 

Secondly, to my sister; whose wedding tape was mysteriously taped over with Law and Order:SVU...   

And my brother; who I said did it in order to avoid the wrath of a ruthless newlywed- my most sincere apologies.

It was me. 

Lastly, to the entire Walmart empire, I'm sorry for stealing those 4 dollar scissors. I only gave myself enough time to get to your store to buy some supplies for class, and only brought a twenty dollar bill. The scissors would have put me over the limit. I had to have them! I had to have cutting capabilities! 

I only had moments to make a decision. I regretfully chose wrong. 

(but 4 dollars is really kind of expensive for safety scissors, don't you agree?)

I feel much better now that i've gotten these things off my chest. I hope you can all find it in your hearts to forgive me. 

this means that

         I have discovered that the majority of people out there are stupid. No offense! Maybe you're not one of them. (but you probably are.) I, however, am not. So... being as nice as I am brilliant, I will open your eyes to some of the obvious facts of life that many cannot seem to fathom.

1) Men who have good jobs get laid more. Fact.

It doesn't matter if he's ugly, stupid, or a rapist. Hell, it doesn't matter if he's all 3! If he's got a cool job and a lot of money, he is soaking up the sexual activity.

Equally true is the sad fact that even if you're the best guy on the planet, but you have a shitty job or are unemployed, you probably don't see that much action. Sorry hobos. Rapist for the win! 

2) If your daughter/sister/girlfriend plays or enjoys watching softball- she is most likely a lesbian.

If she's always hanging out with her "roommate"- guess what? They're scissoring.

If she only wears birkenstocks and her closet looks like this:

 

 Softball is the number 2 lesbian identifier. It falls after driving a huge truck and comes right before flannel.

3) If you spend more than 20 hours a week on your computer (outside of work, or writing awesomely entertaining blogs) then you are a virgin. World of Warcraft doesn't help you pick up the ladies. Don't try to defend it by making shit up.



Also, be wary people!! You may think you're talking to a non-virgin online, a studbucket, a real catch. But you never know. Your dream man's profile may in fact be fictional.

Not that being a virgin is bad! I know a few people who are choosing to wait until marriage to knock boots.

Being a virgin past 20 doesn't make you weird or different. Just gay!

4) Lastly, and one of the most applicable of my list: If a guy drives a massive truck, he is simply compensating for having a tiny penis.

Driving a gas guzzler makes him feel like a warrior, increases his testosterone levels and makes him feel like more of a man. The more obnoxious the truck, the tinier the penis. A guy I work with has lights and a siren installed on his lifted F350. I'm willing to bet (but not willing to stand witness) that he doesn't even have a penis. It was ripped off in some freak skydiving accident.

Other telltale signs a man isn't very well endowed- he wears affliction, and hides his tiny rooster behind true religion jeans.

He probably also keeps his sunglasses upside down on the back of his head. You KNOW this guy. Tiny pecker guy. Poor fellas. Thank goodness girls aren't judged by the size of our vaginas. Otherwise Lindsay Lohan would be considered a catch!



your vs. you're

I have very few pet peeves. I'm generally pretty laidback and there aren't many things that bother me, but one of the things that I hate the most is when people don't understand simple concepts of the english language.

Don't get me wrong, parts of it are fucking complicated! Whom... who... who cares?! But there are a few relatively easy rules that drive me absolutely insane when people break them. The one grammatical error that really angers and perplexes me, is the struggle some people face in YOUR and YOU'RE. I don't understand what could be that difficult about it.

YOUR denotes ownership. YOU'RE is a contraction for YOU ARE.

 See? Simple!

The age of facebook chat and texting has helped me to uncover the fact that I have a lot of grammatically incorrect friends. 

Text message convo: 

ME: hey thanks for giving me that info.

ANON: your welcome.

Really? MY welcome? Ok. I've always wanted one of those.

me and my welcome

Facebook chat conversation

ANON: She seems great

ME: yea, I'm really lucky.

ANON: so your happy? 

Yes? My happy? What about him?

He loves balloons? He was the all-around gymnastics champion at the Atlanta Olympics? Has walked on the moon? graduated as the valedictorian from harvard?

I know all about my happy.

My absolute favorite is the age old insulting text: "your stupid."

What is a stupid?

Ahhh. Thats a stupid.

Unfortunately no, I am not currently in possession of one of those. So no,

YOU'RE STUPID.